Maze of Mirrors, House of Cards
The Illusions that Keep Us Stuck
How much of what we believe about ourselves and the world around us is actually real?
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about the beliefs that hold us back. Not the obvious ones, but the subtle assumptions we accept as truth without really examining them. They feel permanent and unchangeable, but in reality they’re more fragile than we imagine.
Today I want to talk about four beliefs that keep us stuck:
1. The Illusion of Control
We tend to equate staying busy with making progress. We tell ourselves—as leaders, as stay-at-home moms, as entrepreneurs, as “grown ups” that handling everything on our own means we’re being effective.
But our need for control usually masks something deeper. Fear.
I was afraid to fly for a lot of years. I knew all of the statistics. It’s safer to fly than to drive anywhere. But the second I got strapped into that cabin and saw the earth fall away, panic set in. Even though I knew it was a lie, driving felt safer. It felt safer because I was in control. My hands on the steering wheel, my feet on the pedals, it seemed like I was in control of the situation, even though I was in far greater danger from the unknown than in that airline seat.
Our need for control usually masks something deeper. We’re not so afraid of letting go as what might happen if we do. We tell ourselves that maintaining tight control keeps us safe, keeps “the trains running on time,” prevents failure.
Taken to its extreme, this can become a compulsion that leads us to believe the world cannot turn without our help. It leads us to take on more than we can bear. It leads us to shut others out instead of seeking help. It leads us to hoard tasks rather than delegate them to those who have the bandwidth to get them done.
The great irony is that the tighter we grip control, the more we prevent meaningful progress. Your growth depends on you creating space for what truly matters. If you’re trying to hold everything in your hand at once, there will be no room for focus.
What are you holding onto right now because letting go of it feels too risky?
Here’s a simple strategy to try: when you’re overwhelmed, procrastinating (a sign that you’re overwhelmed) or stuck in overcommitment, stop what you’re doing. Ask yourself:
“Am I doing this because it’s moving me toward the person that I am becoming?”
or
“Am I doing this because it makes me feel in control?”
Are you really improving that email you’re writing for the fifth time? Is there really no one else who can represent you at that meeting? Are you putting off writing that newsletter because you need to do just a little more research on the topic (not that I am speaking to myself on a Friday afternoon, here)?
The longer we hold on to the need for control, the more it manifests, not just in our actions, but in the stories that we tell ourselves. Which brings me to the second belief that keeps us stuck:
2. The Stories We Accept as Truth
At some point, you have had a thought that sounded something like:
“I’m not good at this.”
“This is just who I am.”
“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. It’s too late for me/them to change.”
I had a coach for a while that was really interested in figuring out who the voices in people’s heads were. “When you hear that thought, whose voice is it that’s speaking it?” I think he was partially right. Often, our negative inner narrative is shaped by people who spoke negativity into our lives (often in the guise of “waking us up” to the “Real World”—more about that later).
But make no mistake about it. Those voices in your head are all you. They’re not demons from your past. They’re not your parents, your abusers, your detractors or your enemies. They are the words of those people that you have adopted. The sooner you learn to see that, the quicker you will be able to deal with it.
Many years ago, now, an old high-schoolmate of mine wrote me a scathing DM after some social media argument that I don’t even remember anymore. What I do remember were his words: “We used to make fun of you behind your back.” That stuck with me for a long time. I began to doubt my relationships with others. I started believing that as soon as I walked out of the room, people started talking about me.
I took what that person said, clearly in an attempt to “win” a fight, and I made it a part of me.
Until I realized, that this was an interpretation, nothing more. And I had so much evidence, from people who meant so much more than that old bully of mine, that I was valued and that I provided value to the world.
The stories feel true to you because you have carried them for so long. But they’re not facts. They are interpretations that you’ve collected and chosen to believe. Chosen. You may not have chosen the original hurt, but you’re choosing to keep carrying it.
Every time you tell yourself that you’re not good enough or that you don’t have enough or that people don’t like you or whatever, you are making a choice to believe an interpretation of your reality rather than collecting evidence on what’s really true.
When you notice one of these thoughts, just stop and ask yourself:
Is this actually true, or is it just familiar?
What evidence am I ignoring that might contradict this story?
If a friend told me they were thinking this about themselves, what would I tell them?
The stories we tell ourselves shape the lives we create. But never forget that stories can be rewritten.
3. Confusing Our Situation With Our Identity
This one punched me in the face just this morning. I recently had a meeting with a client who predominantly speaks Spanish. This woke me up to the fact that if I’m going to be effective I should at least put out an effort to learn a little of the language. So I’m on day 11 of my Duolingo streak. Hey, don’t laugh—I am more than capable of ordering two tickets to Madrid now.
In today’s lesson, I was being taught about the Present Tense in Spanish, and something blew me away. There are two different “I am” verbs in Spanish. Now I have studied Latin and Ancient Greek and a bunch of languages that came from them, but I’ve never encountered this before. And after doing some digging, I found that among the Romance languages, at least, it is almost completely unique.
For my Spanish speakers, feel free to skip ahead, but for the rest of us, here are the two verb forms:
Ser = Who you are, in the permanent sense. I might extend this to your core identity, your values. The things that make you you.
Estar = Where you are. This applies not only to location, but to temporary states such as circumstances and even emotions.
I just couldn’t stop thinking about all of the times I had confused these two in my life. When I was fired from my first Church job at the age of 23 and told I didn’t “have what it took to be a leader,” I thought, “I am a failure.” But in fact, I was only experiencing failure. When I found myself sitting behind the same bank desk for years with the same problems and the same results, I thought, “I am stuck.” But in reality, I was in a moment where change was about to happen.
The moment you take your circumstances into your identity—the moment you define yourself by them—you will stop seeing the possibilities for change all around you. You will become locked in a reality that is not even of your own making.
Here's a simple practice to help separate your identity from your circumstances:
Take out a piece of paper and draw two columns:
Label one "Where I Am" (estar)
Label the other "Who I Am" (ser)
Now, think about something that's challenging you right now. Write down how you've been describing it to yourself. For example:
"I'm bad at public speaking"
"I'm overwhelmed"
"I'm not leadership material"
For each statement, ask yourself: Is this really who I am, or is it just where I am right now? Move each statement to the appropriate column, but rewrite the "Where I Am" statements to reflect their temporary nature:
"I'm developing my presentation skills"
"I'm in a season that requires better boundaries"
"I'm learning and growing as a leader"
Do this exercise whenever you catch yourself using permanent language to describe temporary circumstances. You'll start to notice patterns in how you label yourself—and more importantly, you'll see opportunities for growth where you once saw walls.
Oddly, one of my mentors and coaches, Erwin Raphael McManus, talked about this same thing in his MindShift podcast this morning. “Never let your struggle be your identity,” he said. Here’s a link to the clip on Instagram.
Speaking of walls we create for ourselves, there's one final belief that keeps us stuck. It's perhaps the most pervasive because it masquerades as wisdom. You've heard it. Maybe you've said it yourself:
4. The "Real World" Myth
Have you ever heard someone say “That sounds nice, but in the Real World, things don’t work that way?” Have you ever caught yourself saying it? We treat the “Real World” like it’s some kind of undeniable truth, but if you examine that closely enough you’ll see how dumb it is.
Each of us experiences even the physical characteristics of our world in a completely unique way. Some of it’s genetic—you may have been born color blind. But some of the way that you perceive the reality of the world is shaped by your circumstances, your geography or your culture. Some cultures don’t have separate words for green and blue, whereas Russian has distinct words for Light and Dark Blue.
I’m not making an argument against absolute truth here, I am saying that everything—even the absolute—comes to us through our own experience. Outside of its relevance to that experience, no truth, no matter how absolute, is functionally useable.
So when someone tells you “in the real world,” what they’re really saying is “in my experience of the world.” And that is the key insight here. What we call the “Real World” is just a set of limitations we’ve agreed to accept—sometimes collectively, sometimes individually.
But think of all the things that used to be impossible:
Remote work was impossible until it wasn’t.
Digital payments wouldn’t work in the real world until they did (although some people still think they’re the Mark of the Beast—rolling eyes emoji).
In 1903 the New York Times said human flight would take a million years to achieve. The Wright brothers did it nine weeks later.
“A computer in every home is ridiculous” was IBM’s stance in 1943.
In leadership, in business, in life, “that’s just how things work” is usually shorthand for “that’s how we’ve always done it.” It’s a defense mechanism that is designed to keep you comfortably in place—not to help you grow by facing the discomfort of something new.
Here’s what I do when I catch myself, or others, invoking the Real World:
If someone says “That’s not how things work,” I ask, “Why not?”
When I hear “That’s impossible,” I ask, “What would make it possible?”
When I think “ I can’t do that,” I ask, “What if I could?”
These simple reframes can help us see that the “Real World” isn’t a fixed set of rules. Instead, it’s a story that all of us are writing together. There are countless stories of people who have done what you want to do right now. Listen to those stories, not the ones telling you that you never will.
Maze of Mirrors, House of Cards
These four beliefs are all connected. Each one is a different face of the same limitation: accepting current boundaries as permanent truths.
But here’s what I’ve learned, in my own experience and by coaching hundreds of others over the years: Every wall that feels solid to you right now is actually permeable. Every negative “truth” about your life that feels absolute is actually in flux. Every limitation that feels fixed right now is actually optional.
The question isn’t whether these beliefs are holding you back. They are. The question is, what becomes possible when you stop accepting them?
Where are you holding onto control so tightly that you’re actually limiting your forward progress?
What story have you told yourself so many times that you’ve forgotten that it was once just an interpretation?
What temporary condition are you treating as your identity?
What “Real World” limitation are you ready to challenge?
Real growth—whether in leadership, relationships or personal development—starts when we recognize these things for what they are: not walls, but mirrors that reflect the parts of us that we need to confront. Not limitations but invitations to think and see differently.
How are you going to start to reshape your world this week? I know you can do it. And I will always be here to help if you need it.
Now go be great.
P.S. If anything here resonated with you, would you do me a tiny favor and just share it with someone else who needs to hear it? Sometimes we all need permission to think beyond the limitations that we’ve accepted as our reality.