When Your Needs Become Your Limits
If you won’t challenge it, it’s already in control.
A Note from Andrew
What’s controlling your life right now may not be what you think.
It’s not your boss. It’s not your schedule. It’s not your circumstances. It certainly isn’t luck, fate or random chance.
No, it’s most likely the list of things you’ve decided that you need. The “necessities” you’ve accepted without question. The non-negotiables you refuse to examine.
Believe me, I speak from a place of guilt on this one.
If you caught my livestream this week (what, you’re not subscribed to my YouTube channel??), we tackled something that I find particularly uncomfortable: most of us are aiming too low. We settle for happiness, ease or “feeling good” as our finish line.
But the livestream only runs an hour and at the end of it there was something I didn’t get a chance to unpack. The moment you label something as “necessary,” you’ve handed control over to it. If you won’t challenge it, it’s already controlling you.
I get most of my good ideas from talking with my wife. This week we were chatting about how the “pursuit of happiness” is an utterly ridiculous goal, and she said, “If there’s not a healthy process of challenging even what you think you need, you’re not postured for growth.” And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how deeply these unquestioned “needs” become our limitations.
We all have things we’ve decided we need. Habits, comforts, routines, relationships. Things that have become so ingrained that we would defend them fiercely. But what happens if those very things are creating an invisible ceiling on our potential?
The Necessity Prison
“I need this to function.”
We all say something like this at come point. We say it about things like coffee, routines, relationships or even the way that we organize our schedule.
But here’s a tough question: How often do you actually test that claim? When was the last time you genuinely asked yourself, “Do I really need this, or have I just given in to it?”
What you don’t question ends up owning you. What you refuse to challenge ends up running your life.
Think about it. How many times have you heard someone (maybe yourself) say they absolutely “need” to check their email before starting their real work? If you look closer, you’ll likely see that small “necessity” often grows to eat up the most potentially productive hours of the day, quietly stealing their (your) best time and energy.
It might be the phone by your bed. “It’s my alarm,” we say. “What if there’s an emergency?” But let’s all be honest. That little device is controlling your sleep, your first thoughts of the day and how much space you have for actual thinking before the world rushes in with its own set of demands and needs.
This is how the necessity prison is built, brick by brick. You pick up a habit that seems to help you in some way. It reduces anxiety or feels good or distracts you or makes life easier. For a while, it’s just a preference. And then one day, without really even noticing, you start believing that you can’t function without it. Eventually, you just stop questioning it altogether. “This is just who I am,” you tell yourself. “This is just what I need to get by.”
Maybe even worse than the fact that you have just become your own limitation is the fact that you don’t even see the bars anymore.
Three Jailers
I have observed that most of our false necessities fall into three categories. These are the three types of jailers we’ve voluntarily given control over our lives:
1. Comfort Dictators
These are the things you believe you need to feel good. The coffee drink from the specific brand. The exact temperature in the room. The particular way that you like information presented. The amount of alone time that you “require.”
Comfort dictators aren’t inherently bad. They’re really just preferences, and we all have those. But when you mistake your preferences for requirements, you’re building your life around discomfort (more accurately, the avoidance thereof) instead of pursuing growth. You become a hostage to your own comfort.
I was reading recently about Susie Moore, an entrepreneur and author who used to swear that she couldn’t function unless she slept in until 8:30 a.m. She simply believed that she wasn’t an Early Morning Person. That sleep time was her necessity. Or so she thought.
But when she came across The 5 a.m. Club by Robin Sharma, she decided to run an experiment. She started waking up at 5 a.m., just to see what would happen.
To her surprise, not only did she function, she thrived. She had more energy, more momentum and more time for the work that actually mattered. Her mindset shifted. The thing that she had once considered to be non-negotiable in reality turned out to be purely optional. Her old “need” had been quietly holding her back.
2. Control Tyrants
These are things you believe that you need in order to feel secure. The detailed plan before you get started. The guarantee before you commit. The perfect understanding before you act.
Control tyrants masquerade as wisdom or thoroughness. “I’m just being smart,” you tell yourself. But often, your need for control is relly about avoiding vulnerability and uncertainty, which are the very conditions that are often required for growth.
In my own life, I developed a “necessity” for fully understanding the complete roadmap before starting any significant project. I called it being strategic, but in reality it was fear. This necessity kept me from choosing directions where the path wasn’t exactly clear, which, as it turns out, are some of the most worthwhile driections to choose.
And then in 2021, as I was wrapping a safe and secure project for one of the large U.S. banks, I got a call from a friend. He worked for a local nonprofit, and their goal was to build a local resource and referral call center to help people in the community get connected to help. He knew that I had experience in a call center environment (in fact I had been training people to work in high volume call centers for the previously mentioned bank), and asked if I could build such a call center for them.
For some reason, I said “absolutely.”
And then quickly discovered that I had no idea how to do that. I had acted in direct opposition to my “need” to know how. And what I discovered, as we built a team that built out that now very successful referral hotline, was my capacity to navigate uncertainty, to pivot based on real-time feedback, to trust my instincts in the moment. All these years later, some of my most successful projects have emerged from situations where I started with clarity about the first step (and, more importantly, the overall intent) but genuine uncertainty about the rest.
3. Identity Wardens
These might just be the most controlling of all. These are the things you believe you need because “that’s just who I am.” The introvert who “needs” to avoid social situations. The detail-oriented person who “needs” perfect information before acting. The creative who “needs” inspiration to strike before working.
Identity wardens feel permanent because they’re wrapped up in the way you see yourself. But remember, your identity isn’t fixed. It’s fluid. It changes based on the stories you tell yourself and the actions you take. True identity is not about being, but becoming.
A fellow coach told me the story of his client, who we will call Sarah. For years, Sarah believed that she wasn’t capable or deserving of success, so much so that she held back from pursuing her dream of starting a business. This belief wasn’t just a momentary thought. It became part of how she saw herself. But when she started working with my friend, she began to challenge that story. Little by little, she redefined the way she saw herself. She built confidence and took action toward her entrepreneurial goals. Sarah not only launched her business but says that she experienced real, tangible personal growth.
The walls that we think are defining are usually just illusions. But when we live in them for too long, we lose the ability to see through them. Your identity can evolve, if you’re willing to challenge the “needs” you’ve assumed are permanent.
Breaking Free: My Own Story
For years, I belieed that I couldn’t create unless the conditions were perfect. Quiet. Clean Desk. Full energy. Clear head. And most of all, lots of time.
The result, as you can imagine, is that I didn’t create much.
I would wait for the rare moments when I could get a huge chunk of time and everything else was just right. But getting all of those variables to line up in exactly the way that I thought I needed was such a rare thing that my creative output suffered accordingly.
This kind of necessity didn’t feel like a limitation. It felt like a reasonable requirement. After all, isn’t your physical and emotional environment vital for inspiration? But I never questioned whether this belief was serving me or controlling me.
Eventually, fed up with my own excuses, I issued myself the challenge to do it anyway. What if I sat down and did the work even when I wasn’t in the right head space, when I didn’t have more than 30 minutes or so, when the conditions felt wrong?
When I committed to working in two 25-minute blocks per day, regardless of the circumstances, something happened. I wrote more in seven days with “imperfect” conditions than I had in the years before waiting for the perfect moment. The quality varied—sometimes it was better, sometimes it was worse. But the consistency created the momentum that I needed to finish the first draft of my book (Be Great comes out in December of this year).
More importantly, through this process I became someone different. I became someone who doesn’t need ideal conditions to do meaningful work. Someone who shows up regardless of circumstance. Someone who creates rather than waits.
That experiment permanently changed my relationship with writing. I still prefer those quiet, focused, long blocks of time when I can get them. But I no longer allow their absence to control my output. As a result, the output has increased dramatically, while my stress around finding the exact perfect conditions has mostly disappeared.
The Real Question Isn't "Do I Need This?"
When challenging a necessity, we often get stuck asking, “Can I function without this?” And that’s a start, but it’s certainly not the most powerful question we can ask.
The real question is: “Who am I becoming because of this?”
This question shifts the focus from immediate functionality to long-term change. It recognizes that our daily patterns and disciplines are quietly shaping us into someone. The question, of course, is who.
I recently worked with a client who was in the habit of stepping in and doing everything that needed to be done around his office. When he asked himself if he had to do all this stuff, even though he had staff members that were not only capable but actually responsible for doing some of these things, he realized that the answer was technically yes, but he was still nervous that things wouldn’t get done.
But when he asked himself who he was actually becoming because of this practice, he realized something important. He was actually a bottleneck to his team’s growth and accountability. Instead of being someone who was a resource when his team needed help, he was becoming someone they couldn’t function without. He was becoming the kind of leader that encouraged dependency rather than ownership.
He didn’t want to become that person, even though that “necessity” felt comfortable in the moment.
When he gradually released his need to do everything and instead invested in making sure his team was trained, supported and held accountable to the very clear expectations, the results were transformative. Not only did his team’s capacity increase, but so did his, as he was free to do the job of actually managing the team instead of doing their job for them. He discovered that his necessity had been limiting not just his team, but himself.
If your daily disciplines are keeping you the same you’re not honoring your design. Even worse, if they’re shrinking you. You’re managing comfort, not stepping into calling.
Questions to Consider:
When you’re examining your own necessities, consider:
What am I avoiding by caling this necessary? Often, our necessities are protections against discomfort, uncertainty or vulnerability.
What would become possible if this weren’t necessary? Imagine how your life might expand if you weren’t bound by this particular requirement.
How did this become necessary for me? Understanding the origin of our necessities can help us evaluate whether they still serve their original purpose or have merely become habitual.
Is this really necessary, or is it just familiar? Sometimes what feels necessary is simply what fees known and comfortable.
What would it look like to experiment changing my relationship with this? You don’t have to eliminate something entirely to change its hold on you.
Run the Experiment
The great part of challenging necessities is that you don’t have to make irrevocable changes all at once. You can approach it as an experiment, a time-bounde xploration that gives you data without demanding immediate permanent change.
Here’s how to run this necessity experiment:
Choose one thing you call a necessity.
Challenge it for just one week.
Take note of not just what changes around you, but in you.
Then, decide:
Do I bring it back?
Do I change my relationship with it?
Or do I release it completely?
The key is to approach the experiment with genuine curiosity (those of you with the genius of Wonder are ahead of the game here, and if you don’t know what that means, we should talk). You’re not trying to prove yourself wrong or right, you’re simply trying to gather information about who you might become without this particular necessity.
Examples of Necessity Experiments:
The Morning Phone Fast: If you “need” to check your phone first thing in the morning, experiment with keeping it out of your bedroom for a week. Use a regular alarm clock if needed. Notice not just how this affects your productivity, but how it shapes your mindset, focus and sense of agency.
The No-Meeting Day: If you “need” to be available for meetings throughout the day, experiment with establishing one meeting-free day per week. Observe how it affects your output, how it influences your energy, your deep thinking capacity and your relationship with your work.
The Solo Adventure: If you “need” others’ approval or companionship for activities, experiment with doing something meaningful completely alone for a week. It could be anything. Go to a movie alone. Solo a nice dinner. Pick up a new hobby in solitude. Take note of not just what you accomplish, but how it affects your confidence and the way that you relate to others.
The Preparation Limit: If you “need” extensive briefing or preparation before taking action, experiment with setting a strict time limit on preparation (e.g.. 30 minutes max) before making yourself start. Notice how it affects your output, but also how it shapes your relationship with perfectionism, your comfort with uncertainty and your ability to iterate based on real-world feedback.
Remember, the goal here isn’t to eliminate all comfort or to reject all routines. It’s to ensure that the things that you call necessary are really serving your growth rather than limiting it.
Three Specific Necessity Challenges
Let me share with you the top three specific necessities that I have seen repeatedly limiting growth in the people I’ve worked with, and in some cases myself. Maybe one of these will resonate with you as a place to begin your experiment.
The Necessity of Complete Information
Many of us believe that we need complete information before we can make decisions or take action. We tell ourselves that we’re being responsible or thorough, but this is often really about avoiding the vulnerability of making choices with incomplete data.
The reality, of course, is that we never have complete information. Even the most thoroughly researched decisions involve lots of uncertainty and unknowns.
What if you experimented making decisions with 70% of the information you think you need? What might you discover about your capacity for adaptation, course correction and intuitive judgement?
The Necessity of Others’ Approval
Do you believe that you need others’ approval before moving forward with an idea, a project or a decision? We usually frame this one as being collaborative or respectful, but most of the time it’s about abdicating the weight of responsibility.
Naturally, actual collaboration matters. But there’s a difference between seeking input and requiring approval. The former enhances your thinking. The latter paralyzes it.
What if you experimented with moving forward on a project or idea without seeking approval first? What might you discover about your conviction, your creative instincts and your ability to stand behind your own judgement?
The Necessity of the Right Mood
Maybe the most limiting necessity of all is the belief that we need to “feel like it” before doing important work. We wait for inspiration, motivation, our own self-diagnosed idea of mental health or the right mood to strike before tackling meaningful projects.
But here is what I’ve learned: The right mood is far more often the product of action than the prerequisite for it.
What if you experimented with taking action regardless of your mood for one week? What might you discover about the relationship between action and motivation, between discipline and inspiration?
This Week's Challenge:
Here's my challenge to you this week:
Pick one "non-negotiable" in your life.
Name the fear of letting it go.
Run a 7-day experiment.
Track not just your results—but who you feel yourself becoming.
Growth never demands that we give up everything. But it will demand that you question anything.
This experiment in challenging necessities pairs perfectly with the Mission Ritual that we talked about in the Motion to Mission series. While the ritual creates protected time, this will help you make sure that you’re using it on what really matters.
The Necessity That Changed Everything
I’ll end on a personal story about a necessity that, when I challenged it, changed the trajectory of my life and work.
For much of my life, I believed that I needed external validation to confirm that I was on the right track. I needed people to tell me that my work was valuable. I needed audiences to tell me that my speaking was impactful. I needed readers to tell me that my writing was meaningful.
As always, this necessity didn’t feel like a limitation. It felt like responsible feedback-seeking, something I highly prize as a sign of maturity and performance. But in reality, the way it expressed itself in my life, it made me highly dependent on the approval of others. It meant I was constantly looking outward for confirmation of my value and direction.
About three years ago, I decided to experiment with trusting my own internal guidance. With believing that if something resonated deeply with me it might resonate with others too, even without getting validation first.
This was a scary experiment at first. Without constant external validation, how would I know I wasn’t completely off track?
What I discovered surprised me. When I trusted my own resonance, when I created what felt meaningful to me without requiring instantaneous validation, my work actually connected more deeply with others. It had an authenticity and conviction that my validation-seeking work had sorely lacked.
More important, I discovered a new confidence. Not the fragile confidence that comes from the applause of others, but the grounded kind that comes from trusting your own voice and vision.
This experiment fundamentally changed my relationship with my work. I still value feedback of all kinds, of course. But I no longer need constant validation to take the next step. And that shift has allowed me to create work that’s more authentic, more distinctively me and ultimately more impactful to others.
Final Thoughts
The necessities you accept will shape the life you live and the person you become. Choose them wisely.
Question them regularly.
Test them experimentally.
And remember that sometimes, the greatest freedom comes not from having what you think you need, but from discovering you didn't need it after all.
Hey, do me a favor and reply to this with the “necessity” you’re challenging this week. If you do, I’ll personally respond with my thoughts on your experiment. Not because you need my validation, but because it’s nice to know that you have someone in your corner. And I am very much in your corner, friend.
Keep becoming,
Andrew
P.S. If you found this exploration valuable, you might want to revisit the concept of the Mission Ritual from our Motion to Mission series. The Mission Ritual creates protected time for intentional work; challenging your necessities ensures you're using that time in ways that truly matter. Together, they form a powerful system for meaningful growth.